Enough

I care way too much about what people think of me.  It is a debilitating and life-sucking disease.  I've lost my confidence.  My self worth.  I am not really sure where it went but I can't find it.  And the voices in my head convince me I don't need to.  They tell me I am not good enough.  For anybody or anything.

This happens to me periodically.  I'm stunted and lost for awhile.  I cry a lot and feel very sorry for myself.  I worry and wonder what's wrong with me.  I find it difficult to do things that I know are good for me.  Healthy eating, sleeping, exercising, praying.....living.  My head knows what to do but the voices tell me otherwise.  They convince me these things won't help.  "You've done them before and what good did it do?  You're still here.  You're still stuck in this place."  I make half-hearted attempts to take better care of myself.  I go for a walk or play with my kids, talk to a friend.  I eat a salad for lunch.  But I'm not honest with myself.  I continue to hear: "What's the point?  You're still too fat, too ugly, too stupid to REALLY go all out.  Because you went all out before, several times, and now you are right back where you started."

Yesterday, I had a rough day.  It's really been a rough week.  Month. Year. or maybe Two.  Anyway, I usually feel like I have more bad days than good days.  I feel like I'm spinning wheels.  Yesterday, I tried hard to do the right thing about a hard situation.  But the worry about what people think of me when I stand up for myself and my family, is debilitating and exhausting.  I ended the day crying.  And I woke up this morning, as I do every recent morning, dreading the day.  Another day to go through the motions and feel never good enough.

I've been thinking about going back to the gym for the last three or four months that I haven't been going.  Every day I think about it.  Sometimes, I make the first move; I put my gym bag in the car.  But the voices battle me and they've been winning.  "If you go, people will judge you.  You're fat.  You were doing so good for awhile, but not now.  You'll be right back where you started.  You aren't good enough to go there.  Everyone will feel sorry for you."  I haven't made the second move in a long time.

Today was the same.  I made the first move.  "Are you crazy?  You aren't going to make it there, you never do."   I made the second; I got in my car.  "Ok, maybe you're in here, but you'll probably just drive past the gym.  They'll think you are ridiculous for showing up after such a long time."  I made the third move; I parked at the gym.  "Well, you're here, you might as well go in and prove I'm right.  You can't do this, you'll look so stupid."  I walked in the gym.  My favorite trainer's face lit up like I was 1986 Tom Cruise in Top Gun playing shirtless volleyball on the beach.  She gave me a long, hard hug and the voices spoke "I have so much anxiety about being here."  She pointed to a tattoo on her arm and said "when I start telling myself I'm not good enough, I remind myself that I am enough. You are here and that's enough." Enough.

Enough, Marie.  Enough listening to the voices.  I've had enough.  I am enough.

Tomorrow will be a different day.  But for today, I am enough.